Enter The Mind Of A PSYCHO..
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Dirty Diana's LiveJournal:
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| Tuesday, October 27th, 2009 | | 4:48 pm |
| | Wednesday, October 14th, 2009 | | 3:19 pm |
so right now the only thing that is making me want to eat is that i like to jog. if i didn't run yesterday i would not have eaten anything. and i want to run today when i get home too so i ate an apple today. today in lab, my professor looked at me and said, "Diana are you okay? you look like you don't feel well." and i told him what was going on in my life. He made me promise him to go to health services. so after lab i walked over there, and then i got scared and turned around. i have no desire to go, i just really like my prof so i didn't want to break a promise to him. but there's always tomorrow. | | Tuesday, October 13th, 2009 | | 11:25 am |
pain is a shockingly beautiful thing
it's a burning, a yearning
a sadness, a cry, or
depression and emptiness
just wanting to die
something that eats at you day after day
and no matter what you do i can definately say
your missing, your wishing
it just won't go away you can't eat, you can't sleep, you can't beat it
you can't focus you can't concentrate
you can't even get out of bed
you don't have the desire to do anything
you would rather just rot instead
you have no opinions, your thoughts are just foolish
you're lost, you're nothing, you're absolutely clueless
the days are dreary
the agony drags on
can't wait til the suffering is finally gone
the tears finally come and you feel slightly better
happy your pillow is a little bit wetter
it means numbness if fading and emotions are flowing
you're content for the moment to see some of them going
but this never lasts long and you're back to square one
it's surprisingly adequate, it's actually fun
you want to feel better but you've actually won, if you don't
you crave this familiar feeling
at first you thought you'd try making it better
but then you realize you're dealing
with your fate
pain really is a wonderful thing
it's feelings vs. numbness, a cycle of beauty
changes your views, now this is your duty
to fulfill this position
save the next man, spare him the hardship
a greater power is balancing pain
the world has been completely turned upside down
once you've been chosen you just can't turn around
because you love this
Diana M. Damon | | Wednesday, October 7th, 2009 | | 5:29 pm |
i wish i could see it from the other point of view. I want to see what a horrible person i am. I want to see what i did to deserve this. i want to see what it is about me that makes people throw me over board. i want to see what makes someone never want to talk to me again. i want to know what i did. i thought i deserved to know.. at least.. but maybe not. i can only see through a small hole. i want to know how the human mind works. i want to know why people do the things they do. i want to know how someone can dedicate so much time, strength, and energy towards a person only to find themselves abandoned with no explanation what-so-ever. i want to know how someone can do that to another after two years of friendship and love. i want to know how to disappear, everyone makes it look so easy. But whenever i try to, my heart won't let me. no matter what happens.. i can't give up on a friend. so i am starting to see something through now. i guess i just needed to get some things out for the clouds to be lifted. it's not so blurry anymore and i am starting to make out an image. i finally realized why all this happened. and it was meant to be from the beginning. if only we were sent a warning, then maybe we could escape before it's too late. i finally see myself clearly now.. and i figured out that i should just give up. there is no point for me to be on this earth anymore. i have upset more people than i have made happy. and when that person finally realized it, they left. they need not give me an explanation any longer. i understand. and i am sorry. this is my apology and goodbye. i hope you find someone that will make you happy, it won't be hard to do because you are amazing. you deserve the best things in the world.. the best friends.. the best romances.. the best of everything. i am sorry you had to waste two precious years of your life with someone so cruel and inconsiderate. i can't believe all the things i just realized within five minutes. i am a worthless piece of shit. i am not worthy of anyone's time. why did it take so long for me to figure this out. i won't be around much longer to fuck up anyone else's life. i'm calling it quits. i'm saying goodbye to the world. | | 2:09 am |
So today was much better than yesterday but i am still hurting all over, inside and out. And he knows that i hate being ignored more than anything in the entire world. He wants to get under my skin like you wouldn't believe, and guess what.. he's really good at it. Hit me where it hurts. And hit me again. Go ahead, again.. keep doing it. You know a person can only take so much beating. I forced myself to go for a jog after school, and that made me feel a lot better.. then work 5 - close. i ended up closing for Jackie because she didn't feel good. Then at the end of the night Bertilio got a pice of wooden plate stuck way up under his fingernail, owwww! So i took him to my house after work and performed surgery on him. We ended up getting it out, thank God, he was in so much pain i felt so bad. yea, so now i should do some homework and then go to bed. of course it will be like 4 after i shower and finish hw. life really does suck right now. | | 2:03 am |
If you're gonna break my heart and leave Make promises you don't intend to keep If that's love, then I want no part But if you think that love should last for a life If you believe it's more than just one night If that's love, then you've got my heart If you rather hold on to your pride And wipe away the tears you made me cry If that's love, then I want no part But if you're gonna be there when I need Someone to just hold me tenderly If that's love, then you've got my heart If the kind of love that you bring Comes with no demands and no strings If in your eyes I see for sure That you're the one I'm waiting for I'll give my heart, my soul, my everything If I have to let go of my dreams Become someone I never, never thought I'd be If that's love I want, then I want no part But if you're gonna be the kind of man Who's willing just to take me as I am If that's love, then you've got my heart Tell me in your arms I'll be safe, baby tell me Loneliness and fear have no place The only thing you have to do The only thing I ask of you Is give your heart, your soul, and your faith And if you cannot give these things to me Then I just have to tell you honestly If that's love, I want no part But if you say you finally found in me The only place that you could ever be If that's love, you've got my heart If that's love, baby you've got my heart If that's love If that's love If that's love baby you, baby you You've got my heart | | Tuesday, October 6th, 2009 | | 1:08 am |
he never asked for anything.. he only had one request.. and i couldn't even do as he wished.. i am the biggest asshole in the world, and i don't even deserve to be spoken to. but oh how i wish he would.. can't concentrate on anything else right now.. ready to drop out of school. | | 12:45 am |
by Diana M. Damon sure you can see whoever you want, go wherever you want to go.. but you will have a weight on your shoulders, of hurting him more than you will ever know.. time after time he tried to direct you, told you the path wasn't right.. but you wouldn't listen, you just wouldn't have it you yelled and you put up a fight.. you just wouldn't have it any other way so he loses his will and his reason to stay.. he lost everything that he was fighting for.. and he just can't take seeing you hurt anymore.. you were selfish, unwilling, stubborn, and foolish now you're helpless, you're hopeless, lonely, and clueless everything hits you.. you never met someone like him before he helped you from falling right through the floor you told him your problems were yours and yours only but he promised to help you and not leave you lonely he loved you, you let him so happy you met him he wouldn't back down no matter what you said to him until now.. now you are left for a different life.. here to continue all on your own. he won't back down, he won't change his mind.. his heart has turned harder than stone.. Diana, you made the biggest mistake of your life.. | | Saturday, October 3rd, 2009 | | 1:38 pm |
Yesterday was alright. Had an easy exam for ecology, then ecology lab in the woods haha. After school Danielle and i went to the apple farm (because i ran out and i still have to bake for some people haha). We got apple ice cream too, it was soooooo good, omg. Then i went home and changed and went out with my girl Lauren. We met Danielle and Tommy for dinner. Then Lauren and I picked up the bird and went to play pool in Peabody. It was pretty sketch.. the guy working there told me I was dangerous and could get him into trouble! ick.. he was like 50, can we just talk about that..? okay nvm. Anyways then i took Lauren home and hung out at Birdie's place for a while. Went to bed at 4:30 a.m.. why do i do this to myselfffffffff lol. | | Friday, October 2nd, 2009 | | 12:34 pm |
omg so... i missed my first two classes yesterday because i went to bed at 4 in the morning again, and when i woke up at 6 i was like a giant brick. i couldn't even lift my head. so ya.. got up a few hours later and forced myself to go for a jog. i have been feeling like a zombie. after that i went to organic chem (can't afford to miss any of those) then went to eat lunch by myself.. and then to Border for the night. work was horrible. i felt like i was going to bawl the whole night. and then i actually did bawl lol. but i got through it and my plan was to go home and go right to sleep. but i couldn't go to sleep until like 3:15 in the morning. so getting up this morning was another strenous activity. but i think i'm okay now.. probs will have another like anxiety attack later, but its not like i'm not prepared! | | Wednesday, September 30th, 2009 | | 2:15 am |
okay so had the longest day in school today. ahem.. woke up at the crack of dawn a.k.a. 6 a.m. after going to bed at 4 a.m. had classes and lab straight through from 8 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. Stayed at school to finish my history essay and waited for Danielle to get out of class. Left school at 6:30 p.m. Talked to Brendan for a while.. I LOVE YOU BRENDAN.. you don't even know how much. Then got in the shower and went out with my border people. was supposed to be like 8 people but ended up being 3. lol no one likes me. Cept Welly and Justina.. couldn't even get Jay-Bah to go out with me haahha. Anyways i wanted to make out with my girl but she is playing hard to get lol. JK | | Tuesday, September 29th, 2009 | | 12:22 am |
omg today sucked/sucks. i didn't get like anything done except for work, run, and nap. when i came home from work i starting yelling and screaming at Mark for making fun of Eric for two years. me, my dad, and Mark had this huge argument about it. i don't know where it came from.. oh wait.. Mark was making fun of one of my other friends.. and i was like i'm fucking sick of this.. you have no right to make fun of anyone i hang out with. i was in his face like bawling. so i tired myself out and went to sleep. then i woke up and had a hard core anxiety attack. i really think i am losing it... more homework to do.. | | Monday, September 28th, 2009 | | 10:44 am |
so this is the plan for today.. probs not gonna get it all done though! bake for my managers (i am a suck up i guess). shower, go to work and make like 15 dollars (i hate monday lunch!), go for a jog (it's really nice out and i haven't been jogging since Thurs!), write a history essay, do organic homework, and have dinner with the Bird. let's see what really happens today though! | | 2:47 am |
Work was alright, not too busy. Tay came in with Daveth, YAYYYY. i split free caesar salad with Brittany tonight :-) Waited for my buddy to get out of work, hung out at his house for like an hour; it was awesome bonding time. i really should go to bed at like reasonable hours. i think this weekend i slept for like 5 hours total. oooops. | | Sunday, September 27th, 2009 | | 2:12 pm |
Yesterday i got up and went to Matilda's baby shower! She looks so beautiful and happy, and she's still working doubles but she has like 2 weeks to go! She's a crazy woman i tell you! It was nice to see Mike and Kelly too! Could only stay for an hour because i had a brunch date with Wilmar, and then work. We went to IHOP and managed to keep our bill under 20 dollars thank God. i wanted Doowop, obvi, but they were closing. But in the end i was happy because pumpkin pancakes are TDF. Then we went to my house for a little because i had one more apple cake to make for my buddy Kristin. Then i dropped him off, and went to work 4:30 - 12:00. After work i picked up Birdie and we hung out for a little while. Today i am working 3:30 til i don't know, but if i get out early enough, i am going to see a movie with Bertilo. :-) | | Friday, September 25th, 2009 | | 10:53 am |
class then lab at the salt marsh :-) | | 12:50 am |
Today sucked, got two and a half hours of sleep last night due to my studying party i had by myself. Was falling asleep in organic.. it's so boring.. and ridiculously hard. not gonna pass. After school i ran for 35 minutes.. felt like it wasn't enough though. i think it's from all the carbs i ate at lunch, Danielle and i got panera during break! after the run i got in the shower.. was supposed to meet welly at his house at 7:30. fell asleep by accident until 7:30! met welly at 8. He took me out for dinner and drinks and then i took him bowling, it was a good time. i learned quite a bit today. not too happy with myself right now. going to bed since i'm not in the mood for anything else. at least i can drown myself in salsa this weekend and not have to think about anything. i miss my best friend. | | Thursday, September 24th, 2009 | | 12:09 am |
i am really happy right now because recently i have been making a lot of money at work.. so this means i will be able to pay my entire school bill without help this semester, AND i can go to school again next semester. i am like so so so happy right now :-D Today was pretty awesome because i love my cell bio and ecology professors, and i had cell bio lab today whoooo! AND i love my lab partner Swati.. she is so beautiful! What a friggen awesome day at school... plus i get to bond with my Danielle. we have quality travel time together.. ain't nothing like beginning and ending a school day with that girl! Then i went straight to work which was pretty fun, as usual. i am so excited because i switched sat and sun morning for sat and sun night! how lucky is that! well lots of studying to do because i really want to do well on this test. in fact i might hit up the 24 hr dunks soon. good night. PEACE AND LOVE | | Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009 | | 10:32 am |
No hay mas palabras que decir Tampoco historias que contar Lo que undia a mi llego Hoy ya no esta Creo que el amor nunca se ve Tan solo pide libertad Pero el destino decidio una vez mas A poco tiempo de sentir Que lo eres todo para mi Yo no puedo mencionar tu nombre Y saber que estoy aqui Yo sin tu amor Yo sin tu amor Yo sin tu amor Estaba a punto de ir a buscarte Y entregar de nuevo el corazon Yo sin tu amor Yo sin tu amor Estaba apunto de recuperarme y dejar atras este dolor Yo sin tu amor No a sido facil aceptar Que tu ya no regresaras Como me duele recordar Que ya no estas Apoco tiempo de sentir Que lo eras todo para mi Yo no puedo mencionar tu nombre Y saber que estoy aqui Yo sin tu amor Yo sin tu amor Yo sin tu amor Estaba apunto de ir a buscarte Y entregar de nuevo el corazon Yo sin tu amor Yo sin tu amior Estaba apunto de recuperarme Y dejar atras este dolor Yo sin tu amor | | Monday, September 21st, 2009 | | 10:29 pm |
"you and i must make a pact.. we must bring salvation back.. where there is love.. i'll be there.." i am still bawling.. that show was out of control.. the first song took me out of this world.. and by the end, i didn't even know like where i was or anything. Casey Sullivan took me to see an MJ tribute concert at her school.. OMG *died*!!! backtracking.. i wasn't hungry before the show although i managed to stuff a piece of cheese pizza down from newbury. Then i bought Casey ice cream and went to stand in line with her. i figured i should eat because earlier in the day i worked out for almost three hours. This was due to my laziness over the weekend. So i ran from my house to LA fitness. Met Markus there and we worked our legs. Then i walked home, it was very relaxing. i just listened to the Pod and went with it. It took me exactly an hour to walk home. Also earlier in the day i did some homework, but obviously not enough because i only dedicated like 30 minutes to it. I obvi wanted to party this weekend and not do ANY work. My lifestyle is changing and i need to make sure that i keep up with the work. in fact i should go do some right now.. Border tomorrow! :-) |
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